I was definitely prepared...I had been preparing for months now.
Lists and lists of things that would need to be finished by the time treatment started again. Drawers and closets needed to be organized and simplified so that I could easily get dressed in between bouts of throwing up due to the side effects of the medicine. Books and new laptop (courtesy of 4 precious children!) readied and available at my bedside so that I could have something to take my mind off of the pain. Windows and blinds washed so that while I was laying on the bed, or the couch, I would be able to look out clean windows and watch as the days ticked by and the seasons change.
Frozen dinners and easy food for Ken so that he could eat and I would not be cooking. Goodness knows after the side effects the last time we tried treatment...there would be NO way I could be around food!! Why...last time they had to put rolled up towels under my closed door to block the smell of any food because it made me so nauseated.
All items dusted, carpets all cleaned, floors all mopped...lists all completed. There was nothing left to do except begin the thing that I had tried desperately over the last 3 months to NOT think about. That first injection...those first pills. Last time 2 hours after the start I had a fever of 105 and chills that shook the bed, followed by nausea and vomiting that did not stop for 15 weeks.
That Sunday it was quiet in the house...it was like preparing for a funeral march...Ken and I hardly spoke much only because we both knew what was going to happen and it was taking every bit of energy we had just to keep ourselves pulled together before it all began. The best break came when Jennah and Jess both showed up to take our minds off of things for a couple of hours! Oh it was the best time...lots of laughing and talking...I made cookies since it was going to be the last time I did that for awhile!! We had big glasses of milk and ate gooey, warm chocolate chips...mmmmm...a perfect last memory.
I remember thinking I was the most blessed person on earth...the treatment did not even matter...I was fortunate enough to have a husband and children and their spouses, along with grandchildren to pray over me and for me and that is what we did. Even as we prayed for complete healing and for an easier time...I believe we all knew what most probably going to happen and we were silently begging that the Lord would just give us the strength to get through it.
After the kids left, there was nothing left to do...all things had been marked off...no reason to wait any longer...just do it...the sooner we start...the sooner the treatment can end next year.
Ken gave me my first of 52 injections...I took something to help me sleep through the worst of the side effects, and then turned off the light praying I would not throw up right away. I needed some kind of hope...something that would help me think that just maybe we could get through a year of treatment!
I woke up at 1:00 a.m. I know that because I turned over to see the clock and was astonished that I did not have to throw up!! Not just that...but I WAS NOT EVEN NAUSEATED! As a matter of fact...since I did not eat much on Sunday...the torture day...I was...could I even think it???? I was HUNGRY??! I was afraid to move...I did not want to accidentally cause any warning bells to go off in my body to remind it that it was indeed injected with chemicals and of course, my mind was tricking me. BUT NO...I got out of bed...I could walk on my own...I walked slowly into the kitchen, took out a pudding cup and sat down in the big comfy chair in the den.
All I could do was shake my head in wonder!! I tentatively at a very small bite of pudding...it...it tasted...good! I ate it while I watched TV and then...crazy enough...my muscles were very achy...so I did some stretching exercises!!!! WHAT???!!! I am taking the same medicine that almost caused all of my organs to shut down last time and covered me with unrelenting nausea!! BUT NOW...pudding...stretching...watching TV???!!! This was some kind of dream world!
Ken came out to check on me...He had looked in the bathroom first because, of course we all knew, that is where I would be. He could not believe his eyes! Shaking his head he went back into the bedroom feeling guilty because we had all, of course, asked...no...we had begged...that the side effects this time would be manageable. Hundreds of people praying and seeking God's Hand in allowing me to be able to endure this treatment. I, myself, praying that if the Lord would..."PLEASE GOD, PLEASE...all I am asking for is the chance to get up off the bathroom floor. That is all!!" Why were we surprised?
We all continued in amazement this entire week. It has been a miracle week...no nausea, no vomiting! A year of treatment is a long time, so we are bound to have some bad days...but this week, God gave us hope. Hope that not ALL of the days would be so bad...hope that we might make it through the entire treatment.
God proved Himself to be so much bigger than what I was willing to settle for HIM to be!
I was willing to settle for Him to just get me off the bathroom floor. HE was willing to take away the nausea.
I was willing to settle for staying in bed for most of the year and hoping that I did not have to be admitted to the hospital. HE was willing to keep me out of bed and even allow me to enjoy my everyday life.
I was willing to settle for a small work of God. HE was willing to show me Himself in all His glory!!
I had done all that I need to be ready and able to adjust my life during a year of treatment that could, going on past experience, be one of the worst and longest years of mine and my family's life.
I was prepared all right...
I was prepared for everything...BUT ANSWERED PRAYER!
I prayed believing He could... and yet not believing He would.
I am willing to settle for so little from a God who can do so much!
Forgive me, Lord...for not opening my eyes to Who you are.
Forgive me for asking and not believing and for hoping...but living hopeless.
And so a lesson this week...not just in the mighty works of a praise-worthy God...
But a humbling lesson in how small a God I allow Him to be in my life.
Oh Lord...bring it on BIG in my life!! Bring it on BIG!!
And next time I'll preparing to watch anxiously for the Works of the LORD...more than I could ever hope or imagine!
"...call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you and you will honor Me!" Ps. 50:15
PREPARE...FOR ANSWERED PRAYER!
Pass the Word
